Most of us who meditate on a regular basis do it because it relieves stress or it helps with physical symptoms. At least for myself, I never meditated for spirituality. I didn’t go into it thinking I would have any profound experiences. I have been meditating for more than 13 years daily and some days I have big realizations about my life, or big waves of compassion for someone with whom I’m angry. But I don’t consider these moments transcendent. Although these moments feel powerful, they still feel very human.
Before I recount my transcendent moment, let me tell you a little bit about the kind of meditation I do. I meditate early in the morning (before my kids wake up and when it’s still a bit dark outside) for about 40 minutes. I have come to love this time of quiet and peace. In my meditations, I focus on my body parts, feeling the space they occupy and the space around them. Many times I have felt a deep calm come over me when this process helps me to recognize that I am not my body. And that’s about as far as I get. That deep calm is so comforting, it’s really all I’ve wanted or needed. Especially for someone like me, who has complex health issues, learning to de-identify with the body has been incredibly soothing. I didn’t think there was much more to this process.
Then about three months ago, something happened. As I focused on the space surrounding my body, I found myself somewhere far far away, out in the atmosphere. My body was still sitting quietly in my living room, and my mind was still there too, focusing on the space. This was another part of me. Something different. I could sense it was not my mind. It felt big, bigger than my body and bigger than my mind, as big as space itself. I actually have no idea how long I was out there, but it felt brief. Maybe it was 5 seconds, maybe 10? At one point my mind realized I was no longer with it and I came back, I began thinking about what just happened. I realized I was thinking and tried to stop to get back out there, but it was gone.
After this experience, I have been drawn to reading and listening to Ram Das. Ram Das, formerly Richard Alpert, was a psychologist who went to India to seek enlightenment after pioneering experimental research into the use of psychedelic drugs at Harvard University. Ram Das actually lost his standing at Harvard after some controversy in his research (the original cancel culture). Ram Das discussed how enlightenment can only be achieved if we don’t have a body, a mind or a story. In one of his talks, he describes the idea of coming to earth in a space suit and how that space suit helps us interact with our environment, but it’s not who we are. He discussed how removing the space suit is what helps us uncover who we really are. Listening to him, I realized that’s exactly what I experienced. I wasn’t my body (my space suit), my mind, my history, my belongings, my relationships, my beliefs. I was something much bigger. What’s most interesting to me is that the experience of “leaving my body” felt big. I am bigger than my body. It was really cool to feel that big. It left me with this feeling that even when I think my body-mind is doing big things, like running long distances or achieving career success, and even when my body-mind isn’t doing those things, I’m much much bigger. And no matter what I do or don’t do, I’m no more and no less important than anyone or anything else.
Anyway, I have no ego about this experience. I’m not all of sudden enlightened or a spiritual master (just ask my husband! Hah!). But I am incredibly grateful for it. It has helped me to see and understand that my life is so much more than anything I could imagine. I’ve always had faith in something bigger than me, outside of me. Now, I seem to have some more faith in me.
After this experience, I’ve noticed a bigger opening in my personality, my ego. I’m more able to take in harder things. It’s hard to know that sometimes I’m my own biggest problem in life. In my 20s, I could not have taken that in at all. Now, it’s a lot easier to see the problem, forgive myself and make positive changes.
One last thought. If you meditate regularly, you may be like me, doing it for some specific purpose. But don’t count spiritual experiences out of your life just yet. Something profound might sneak up on you when you least expect it.
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