I’m really lucky. I met my husband in the era before the internet and smart phones took over dating. We met at school in our first year electrical engineering class. We smiled at each other and the chemistry was like lightening. In that moment, I knew for sure he was the one. Yes, I sound like a Grandmother. It seems like ages ago that people actually looked each other in the eye, connected and then decided if they liked each other or not. People didn’t have dating resumes (or online dating profiles as it’s commonly called) and you really had no way to meet people other than by going out and … meeting people. Back then, we didn’t have smart phones, even cell phones were pretty rare. There was no escaping a boring conversation or lack of spark. You had to sit through a bad date or you fully and completely enjoyed a wonderful date.
A very old picture, taken circa 1875… Oh my I had no dark circles. This picture was definitely taken pre-children (haha!).
I remember my first date with my husband. He was so good looking and he made me laugh. He was smart. We talked a lot that night. It felt easy to talk to him. We were so connected even during that early stage when we were just getting to know each other. What would have happened if we had both been addicted to our smart phones, escaping our conversation every few minutes to check texts and social media. Would we have connected the same way? I don’t know. If we’d had an endless list of attractive people to look at on tinder, would we have been as committed to building our romance and eventually our life together? I’d love to think so. But no one can say for sure.
We don’t date much now. We have two little ones who keep us busy and I’m just as happy to spend an evening at home with him as I am to go out. Being with him and our kids makes me incredibly happy. The occasional bottle of wine once the kids are asleep is definitely a nice thing but not the usual. But when we do go out, we always seem to see couples out together physically, but they are so busy on their phones that they are not even looking at each other. One time, my husband challenged me on some trivia and I used my phone to check the answer. Then he laughed at me and said “We’re part of them now Maya. We’re on a date and you’re on your phone!”. I laughed and quickly put the phone away. We make an effort not to check our phones when we go out. We’re not perfect, but I’d like to think we’re doing pretty well.
The reason I’m writing this blog is because I feel that people have lost the basic skill of dating. Just like we’ve lost many of our traditional skills like cooking, sewing and relaxing only to replace them with “time saving” modes of living like buying cheap clothes online, ordering fast food and multi-tasking. The ability to date has been replaced with the skill of writing an online profile and taking a great selfie to post on various websites. What is the skill of dating? It’s the ability to discern someone’s character and suitability based solely on listening to them talk and feeling their presence. Back in the day, that’s all we had. Our own gut intuition was what told us if someone was suitable. Now, we dull our feelings, we block out our gut intuition and make snap judgements based on a single photo and a few words online. Then when we meet, we continue to block out the actual person by drifting away to our phones at every awkward silence.
How can we possibly cultivate meaningful relationships and feel that sense of connection with another person when we can’t even stay mentally connected for more than a few minutes? And continuing to build a life together is even harder now. There is a constant pressure to feel like our marriages and relationships are as happy as our friends’ on facebook and instagram. Keeping up with the Jones has taken on a whole new meaning when you need all the stuff the Jones have, but you also have to fill your instgram account with as many happy pictures using that stuff. We’re constantly in a state of judgement and comparison. And worse, shopping for a new mate is as easy as shopping for a new jacket.
Living mindfully isn’t just about meditating for 20 minutes per day. It’s about using the awareness of the current moment to build connections, with ourselves (our own innate intelligence) and with others. This is the real power of mindfulness. It’s learning how to stay – stay present, stay focused and stay aware of the feelings and sensations in your body (those sensations that for thousands of years have kept us safe and led us to happier relationships). The practice of meditation helps you to learn to stay focused. It gives you mental endurance. And when you practice meditation, it makes it much easier to live mindfully and in the moment. Instead of worrying what you might be missing out on or comparing your date to your friend’s date on facebook, you stay in the moment listening and feeling.
I’m certainly not perfect, and I’ll be the first to admit that my phone can be a lot of fun. I’m on insta and facebook and I check updates usually once per day. But I’m thankful that I didn’t have that barrier to deal with when I was dating my husband. So how can you stay mindful while dating? Try keeping your phone tucked away during a date and staying the course. Listen to the other person and keep mental judgements at bay. Make as much effort listening to the other person and trying to find common ground as you would if you didn’t have a tinder catalogue of potential dates at your fingertips.
I’m no dating guru but I think it would be really hard to date these days. I know that I definitely listened to my gut and felt the full reality of my dates when I was dating. I think we can do more of that as a society. We can enjoy our lives more by bringing mindfulness into every aspect of life, including dating.
If you are single and searching, I wish you so much luck. I hope you find that person who makes you feel grateful every single day. Remember to listen and feel as you use your own innate skills and intuition to feel who that person might be. If you are married, focus your energy on building lasting love, instead of comparing and competing. It’s worth it.
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