I don’t know how many times I’ve heard this lately, I probably couldn’t count it. It goes something like this “I’m struggling right now, things are hard…but I really can’t complain, I know there are others who have it so much worse than me”. This may seem like a healthy attitude, and really, who wants to listen to a whole bunch of complaining? After all, we’re trying to “see the bright side”, right? The problem is that every time we squash down our feelings, we make them worse.
Imagine you have a small child who is acting out. You tell that child “just stop, you need to be grateful for what you have!”. What happens? That child acts out more. This happens because the child just wants to be heard. The child has a need that’s not being met, usually that need is acknowledgement. Strangely enough, it works out that our feelings are a lot like little children. They want to be heard, felt, acknowledged.
So when you find yourself thinking “this stinks, it’s hard, it sucks”, stay with it. Allow the pit in your stomach to grow, allow the feeling to come on really strong. This might seem really scary at first, but the key to this is knowing that the feeling will subside. You will get through it. But please, allow me to clarify what it means to stay with the feeling.
Staying with the feeling does not mean getting wrapped up in the thoughts that come along with the feeling. It’s not about ruminating on all the reasons why you’re justified in feeling this way. It’s not about eating a pint of ice cream to comfort yourself as you wallow in sadness or anger. All of that is not feeling. It’s actually doing the same thing as trying to “see the bright side”. It’s pushing the feeling away. To stay with the feeling, you have to feel it in the body. That’s where feelings reside - in our bodies. It will feel like heat, tightness, emptiness, it may even bring to mind colours, and textures. Feelings don’t really have words, they are experiences. So if you’re getting wrapped up in words, then it’s likely not feeling.
Then once you’ve felt the feeling, you will begin to notice that it subsides. It comes on strong, peaks, then drifts away. It is a lot like a wave. And what you are often left with is a space for compassion for yourself. Offer yourself that compassion, words such as “I know this is hard, you’re being so strong right now”. The process takes a few minutes, maybe 5 minutes if the feeling is really intense and has been ignored too long.
And just like that, you feel better. This technique takes practice. It’s not easy, especially at first. But stay the course. Just like getting fit is really hard at first, once you start, each subsequent workout is easier. You will find that emotional tolerance is very similar, each time you practice it gets easier. The waves feel surmountable, and they don't take as long to dissipate.
And, you can always talk about your feelings with a qualified therapist. This is a technique I often use with my clients. And it never ceases to amaze me how clients feel so much better with this one technique.
And because self-compassion is such an important part of this technique, next post we will dive deeply into the benefits of self-compassion and I will guide you through an exercise to help you practice.
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