Before covid, I was a regular at the gym. I went approximately 5 days per week every week unless I was sick. And every year, it was the same pattern. The parking lot was densely packed, and all the machines were taken until the second week of February. Amongst the regulars, this was a bit of an inside joke and just a minor inconvenience we had to deal with before all the “new years’ resolution people” finally gave up. It makes me sad to think about it now because I know so much more about mental health.
My gym-going consistency was just part of my lifestyle, it was never a goal or a resolution. And like most people, I’ve never been successful with resolutions. I remember one year when I was a teenager, I resolved to be nicer to my friends. Nice thought, but I don’t even know what that meant in terms of real actionable change.
And I think this is the problem with most resolutions – the vagaries of more, less, better, etc. just don’t add up to a whole lot. We have very nice intentions, but they end up going nowhere because we don’t have a specific goal. So instead of a resolution this year, I challenge you to try a new year goal. Remember that goals should be SMART – specific, achievable, relevant, time limited. So for example, if you want to be healthier this year, don’t resolve to go to the gym more because it’s not specific – what does more mean? If your goal is to be more social, don’t set a goal to read more, it’s not relevant. And definitely put a timeline on your goal that is achievable. For example, if your goal is to run a 5k race this year, set a goal to run 10 minutes twice per week for the next three weeks. Achieving a goal, no matter how small, is highly motivating.
So this might seem like really basic advice. But here’s where things get challenging. Let’s say you’ve set a really well-crafted SMART goal and you’re achieving your goal like nobody’s business. Then you get sick, or your kid’s class has to isolate and all of a sudden achieving that goal is no longer possible in your original timeframe. What often happens is that we get into black and white thinking. We’ll say to ourselves “well I couldn’t keep going to the gym last week, so what’s the point now?”. In other words, if we’re not perfectly successful, we stop trying all together. It’s all or nothing or in psychological terms, it’s black or white. We all do this. It’s really important to remember that life will always be in the way of your goals, always. It’s just how things are, especially with covid in our world. So when life hits you in the face, take it like the goal setting champ you are. Remember why you set your goal, and reset. It’s ok to take two steps forward and one step back every now and again. It’s ok if your goal is ridiculously small and imperfect.
I once had a client who was very depressed, so much that she couldn’t get out of bed. She knew that exercise was helpful, but the weather was bad and she just couldn’t get herself outside for a run. She also couldn’t get up early enough in the morning to get out when she wanted to. We talked about what she could do. We finally settled on 5 minutes on her indoor bike 3 times per week, any time of the day (whenever she had enough energy). This goal felt doable and that’s all that mattered. As she began doing her biking, she quickly progressed to an hour most days of the week and started to get out for her usual runs too. She had been of the mind that small wasn’t enough, she had to do “all” to feel good. But small made her feel just ok enough to do more.
Announcing a big, bold (and vague) resolution can feel amazing when you’re with friends and family on New Year’s eve. And setting a small, unimportant little goal can feel insignificant. We beat ourselves up for not living up to some ill-defined perfectionistic standard. We see images of beautiful, healthy, happy people and we “want what she’s having”. And if it were that simple then big brash new years’ resolutions would work. But they don’t.
Depression, perfectionist thinking and black and white thinking all go hand in hand. If you find yourself consistently trying to make strides in your life, but feeling like nothing you do is ever enough, it could be time to talk to a psychotherapist.
And for now, I hope you have a very happy new year, filled with teeny tiny, insignificant goals that all add up to greatness!
Excellent article, Maya!!